“Rectum!? Damn near killed us all!”

That is PTSD, or part of it. Go for a walk, bring someone with you, and talk to them about it. Ask them to just listen. Do that regularly. Maybe every Sunday at first. It’s not a cure, but it helps more than you would expect. If you don’t have someone, go by yourself and talk to yourself about it, out loud. Best of luck.

And what will that money be used for?

And a grindr account